Keeping me warm

Kickass

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 19:09:30 GMT

*dusts off the journal*

So this guy named Muhammad Yunus kicks ass. He got the Nobel peace prize, but the way he got it makes me want to buy this guy a beer. Basically what he did was, he went to all these really poor villages and gave all of them loans (some as small as $9, none more than $100). Not handouts, not charity, loans. Like the kind you have to earn and pay back. And they did. They used that money to consume what they needed from the American economy to start small businesses. 99% of the people he loaned money to payed it back. Instead of being a tool and handing out charity and alms to people, he gave them a means to make money while encouraging the integrity of the workers by demanding a return on the loan. Poverty ends by producing wealth, not redistributing it, and the Nobel people finally get this. Rock on.

On this theme, I was thinking the other day about Ground Zero, as its still in talks whats to be done about that location. There's too camps on the issue that I'm aware of. One thinks that this space should be a memorial to those who died in the attacks and a testament to the American spirit. The other realizes that this is probably the most valuable piece of real estate on the planet, and want to capitalize on it. These two don't have to contradict, and I don't mean to include a memorial inside or on the top of an enormous productive skyscraper. The huge towering mini-metropolis that will be built there [i]is[/i] a tribute to the American spirit. New York and specifically the towers were a target of terrorism because they represent everything that the irrational want to destroy: productivity and human achievement. Not Imperialism or world domination, but wealth. To create anything in that space that doesn't raise the living standard for everyone in New York and the world would be submitting to what they were trying to prove.

In other news, Architecture is awesome. If you live in Boston and want to hang out, let me know. I live at home but commute to school in Boston now (Wentworth).

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 04:06:54 GMT

Sweet Hebejesus I love my live journal theme more than ever.

Convertible

Sat, 06 Aug 2005 17:31:42 GMT

When I eventually get a car, my liscense place will be: PWNT11

-End transmission-

Pretentious

Fri, 29 Jul 2005 19:50:03 GMT

I read this quote today:

"Every single human being,
when the entire situation
is taken into account,
has always,
at every moment of the past,
done the very best
that he or she could do,
and so deserves neither blame
nor reproach
from anyone, including self.
This, in particular, is true of you."

It seemed very wrong the first time I read it, but I wasnt sure why. I thought about it for a bit, and figured out why. I understand what is being said, that people do the best with what they have, but if your best is shit and is unjust and goes works toward your own or others' destruction, then you are to blame for it. Even if what you do is good, it is your "fault." If you dont see them as mistakes, or even your fault, you will continue to do "your very best". This quote takes into account the person's past, but denies the existence of a future. It attempts to justify all actions, including evil, and at the very least satisfaction with mediocrity. This is like saying "I did the best with what I had, dispite the fact that I denied and prevented myself (or others prevented me) from having certain things." This also counts for onlookers, who might see an evil action, and under this theme, deny it the conviction of evil.

We are the fringes of infinity on the never ending fractal.

Fri, 06 May 2005 04:26:56 GMT

She-bang!

Quarks everywhere, then they place dice with eachother. If two dont get along, they repel. If they dont, they stick. A bunch stick, a bunch dont. The ones that dont keep rolling. The ones that stuck wait around for the next round. Finally all the quarks find themselves in happy little atoms. Imbalance strikes again. Not happy for long, fuckers. Lets play dice again. The ones that can play nice, make our first molecules. Some atoms are chill, and remain single. Balance? Who needs it. Molecules are picking fights with the neigbors. Those rouge atoms get sucked into the fray, tipping the battle into a draw. Sometimes into over-time. Slowly things settle down. But whats this! A constant barage of photons ~12/7? Like gunfire into blindfolded crowd, molecules get knocked off their feet from the chance confrontation with a photon torpedo. Some of those pacified molecules suck up some of those sweet rays and get even more of the silent-bob atoms. The constant photon assault keeps things cooking, so to speak, and long arms of atoms, all sitting pretty, form the stringy fractals of molecular complexity. The whole gig gets its fair share of rouge recruits too, apparently they like to hang out and mosh in nearby clubs titled 'minerals' and 'non-minerals.' So those fingers of the intricate keep getting fed and keep getting longer, if able of course. Now strings wrap around strings, held together by some helpful bricks from Amino Construction Inc. Skyscrapers, Do Not Apply. These get higher any chance they get. Now bridges built between the towers, made from a good deal more than just brick. Tower clusters joined by roads. Continents connected by boats and planes. Cell- er, planets form. Most dont last too long and disband into space, only to be collected later. One planet just isnt satisfied happens to keep getting bigger, pulling in more than it needs to be content. With the nightclubs of atoms and the photon torpedos from the abyss, it keeps growing. Too big in fact, it splits. Rinse and repeat. Soon this cellular gluttony keeps the whole lot of them moving. Depending on the neighborhood, different designs work better verses the imports. The cells find other cells, some related, some not. They form chains like the towers, interacting with other towers. Into cities, into worlds. Complex worlds. But those complex worlds dont head to kinkos to make a copy of themselves, they pull the same things the cells do. Assuming that there are doubles of each color candy in the bowl, two people can have their own bowls to be happy. But what if that bowl split and there werent any doubles, so each person had something different. Well, they do 50% of the time. But if they pool all the candy, they at least have a bowl with all the candy colors. They agree that neither should have it, because there isnt enough for both, so they leave it on the ground. Well, all the ingredients for the planet, animal, thing. But this creature knows nothing of those who survived to get it into existence, so only its survival is a tribute to the potency of the genes. Some of these organisms kept alive and working by showing the blueprints for one half, the other holding what those two halfs are going to need. Sometimes just putting it in a container with enough supplies works well, but the same problem with the tribute to potency thing. Some keep that, well, egg, for a good deal longer, as long as possible actually. When that sucker can breath on its own, its out. But it cant get what it needs for life. Now not only is the security in the genes existent, but mommy and daddy also give good advice. This would-be helpless beggining now has a hand to guide it. Strategies for these creatures get better, as well as a few of the lesser models. But none compare when youre being taught how to use tools to maintain survival. Tool users learn and make better tools. It just makes sense to make them when ya need them. Fast forward a few thousand years. Cavemen with computers and a whole lot of oral history. A good deal of them working tward making survival with our material and spiritual a whole lot easier. But, some of them arent. Who needs balance? We do.

Wed, 20 Apr 2005 21:32:50 GMT

To anyone reading this entry, if you have, or plan to have kids in your life time, do me a big fucking favor: answer their goddamned questions. If I have to hear another 4 year old ask '[parent or guardian], why cant you see the stars during the day' and the parent replying 'because stars are only on one half of the sky, sweetpea' I'm going to kick said parent in their respective genetalia, really fucking hard. If you dont have at least an elementary knowledge of how reality works, then do not spawn. When you answer your kids' wonderful little questions with correct answers, not only are you educating them at a point in their life where they are absorbing every morsel of information in the world like a maxipad in that blue liquid stuff, but you are a good example, showing them the virtue of always asking 'why'.

So the lesson is for soon-to-be-shitty-parents: Don't mate, fallate.

Read my 8 page paper

Wed, 23 Mar 2005 06:15:56 GMT

Denying any part of reality has disasterous consequences. Whether someone cares to admit it or not, they have trusted and indulged in the concept that there IS a reality, that they do in fact exist. You must take for granted that the food you are eating exists, and that you are putting it in an existent body, to perpetuate the existence of your minds consiousness, in turn allowing you to percieve what exists beyond it. However, in the society that humans now live in, there need be only a small fraction of the thought to survive than our ancestors. We dont need to spend days hunting and gathering or migrating, or simply living in fear of harmful weather, diseases, or even other people. What else do we think about then? Because most of us dont plant our own food, we must achieve something of equal value to trade for what we need to survive. Again, the minds main value is life, and in order to survive, one must take for granted the fact that existence does exist. However, often people will deny parts of reality in order to decieve oneself to feel happy or accomplished. For example, one may deny that stealing is wrong, because their survival comes first despite the means. Indeed one could get away with this for a while, but when their actions have consequences that contradict their perception of what will happen, we often get anxious. Its the idea that a contradiction can exist in a reality based on concrete non-contradictory laws that intuitively, almost instinctually, sends a person into mental disarray. It is this intuition that is our very 'feel' for reality. We all have a basic set of intuitive understandings about our reality and the existences therein. We have to in order to survive, even if we arent hunting (food shopping) for ourselves. To use a muscle, we usually dont consiously think "contract this muscle, and relax the opposite" we just think "open the door" and our intuition takes care of all the details. If muscles would sometimes, say, explode when we used them, (dispite the fact that this would be impossible and contradictory because muscles arent made of explosive material) we couldnt use our intuition to guide us through using them. Because of the simplicity of the mechanisms that are muscles, and the predictability of their actions, we can quickly (usually even before birth) learn to utilize them intuitively. When we can do something intuitively, our minds are in direct harmony with the very nature of the object or phenominom. This applies to other things of course, beyond our body. This is one of the things that seperate humans from other simpler organisms. We can use our minds, not only to build the concepts of tools based on our previous knowledge of reality, but to make those the very extention of ourselves. through living, we learn to understand the nature of an object, and learn what it can and cannot do. We can extrapolate and interpolate using different concepts, drawing conclusions about reality based on our knowledge previous. We can look at the front of a house, and based on our experience we use our concept of house-ness to make the assumption that the house has a back to it. When we reach for an object, we can judge its weight based on evidence of size, shape, make up of the object despite that we dont actually yet know the true weight of the object. Essentially, our minds are not only designed to survive, but to gain intuitive knowledge of the world (our reality), so we can think less about things that dont need any extra thought.
As was mentioned before, an individuals first goal in life is to survive. When we die, so does our existence as we percieve it. Thus the very essence of life is the goal of staying alive. Although, to reach this, we must set other secondary goals. Some have very little to do with the actual act of surviving, but they are essential in their own right to our lives, because they are our values. Now say that we have two goals that we can work tward at the moment. One provides instant physical and mental comfort, where as the other one is very beneficial to us in the long term. The average college student knows this struggle all too well. We have an existentialism paper due, but wed rather take a 14 hour nap. Writing the paper in advance has a very beneficial long term influence on your grade, therefor your GPA, therefor your resume, which you can use to help in finding a job. This in turn improves your life, and ability to live. However, it isnt due for a while, and wed rather sleep. Sleep helps us now, paper helps us later. This seems fine, as we can just do it later, but we know that if we just slept a few less hours, we could get a lot done. This knowledge of being literally too lazy or unwilling to do something does not help us twards our goal of long term success. However, we took the nap anyway. This more often than not will cause us to feel guilty, and ashamed of ourselves. Because we dont desire to change our goals and values in life from 'well paying job' to 'professional sleepaholic,' we end up convincing ourselves that parts of reality dont exist, or are justified. Even though we are indeed achieving another goal by getting rest, we know that we cant be a sleep major and an unconsiousness minor. So what is our solution? Usually rationalization. "Oh, ill just get a lot of sleep, then work on it right when i wake up," "I have plenty of time to do it," "I had a long night, i could use some shut-eye" are all exaples of rationalization. Because we feel ashamed of ourselves, we often will deny the fact that we did anything wrong. We deny responsibility to our actions, and blame it on things we had no control of. But our own actions wouldnt have existed if we didnt, so how can we possibly deny responsibility for something that is completely our choice of doing? (a collective action is impossible, only an individual can act, although a group of people can be individually performing the same action. Thus one cant ever make the claim that someone acted for them.) Often we will rationalize until weve convinced ourselves that weve done nothing wrong. We do this to shake the anxiety. This is the very anxiety whose purpose is to set you in the direction you are supposed to be going, rather than influencing you to rationalize our desisions, therefor doing the exact opposite; taking us further away from our objective.
Our emotions (such as anxiety) are a kind of biological motivation, which are very closely related to our intuition. Negative emotions arise when we deny reality, essentially our intuitive understanding of reality is in direct contradiction to our thoughts at the moment. positive emotions arise when our thoughts are in direct accordence to reality. We feel anxious when we do something wrong. We feel happy when we accomplish a goal or do something we believe to be morally right. We feel sad or upset when we desire something in reality to be true, and it isnt or cant be and we havent come to terms with it. We feel happy when we have come to terms with reality and understand it. We feel distraught when we arent able to do something that we desire to do, especially when we dont know how to get better, when we intuitively feel that it is actually possible to get better. We feel happy when we have an epiphany, or just simply learn something, or find the right path which will lead us to our goal. But again, the whole concept of life being finite and rather fragile, forces us to actively engage in the persuit to stay alive. Thus, this initiates a hierarchy of goals and values which we deem nessesary to our existence, and perpetuating it.
Our intuition is our feel for all parts of a phenominom or existent in reality. This allows us to use, say, a hammer as effectively as possible. We dont think about our muscles moving, or how we hold the hammer, we just intuitively understand all possibilities that could occur given the nature of the object. We can just create a goal, and our intuition does the rest. We think "hammer nail" and we strike it on target, as many times as needed, simply due to the sheer predicability of a hammer. Again, if hammers acted randomly and didnt always follow the laws of physics, it would be literally impossible to master the hammer. Because it exists in a reality that apparently is based of concrete rules (again, whether it is an physical world or just an elaborate dream world we percieve beyond ourselves) we can understand every detail of its nature with practice. We begin to construct a concept. A concept forms when we compare two or more phenominoms based on their similarities and differences. We can pick up a smaller hammer, and using our concept of hammer-ness we can use it just as effectively, once we discover its inate diferences. Furthermore, when we use the new hammer, our concept and definition for 'hammer' is becoming more refined. Just as when we are young, our concept of 'fish' may simply be 'something that swims' but as we get older, our concept of this phenominom becomes more refined, possibly including biological knowledge and the like. Its our intuition that makes the split desision to throw our arm up and cover our head at the sight of an incoming football, or for the athletically inclined, to catch it.
Furthermore, our emotions are what tells us and motivates us twards further intuitive knowledge. Its a biological drive that gets us to move twards a goal that we have set for ourselves. Just as we feel hungry to get us to eat, we feel anxiousness, anger, frustration, or sadness when we are doing something we have determined as wrong. And in the same way that we cant rationalize a steak dinner into our stomache, we cannot create things in reality by simply desireing them to be there. We must act, and we know this. Only if we convince ourselves that we arent capable of acting, will we rid ourselves (often only temporarily) of our anxiousness without actually making a real active change tward our goals and values. However, we usually have the ability to act, despite our self-constructed beliefs. Even in rationalization to avoid the feeling of anxiousness, we are calling upon self-evident examples in reality to justify our feeling, like calling upon extenuating circumstances to justify a nap to avoid a paper. However, even though our rationalizations are usually based on reality, we are still working twards denying the importance of other goals. Our rationalized reasons often can be constructed ourselves. The best examples are impossible to prove logically or forensically, and can be very convincing to oneself and others. But there is one factor that is impossible to deny, no matter how persuasive you are: reality is still there. Our intuition still only accepts what is truth, factual, verifiable, and in essence predictable. It is for this reason that even if someone has still completely decieved themselves, they will still be fundamentally anxious or unhappy, especially when something in reality uncovers their charade. Also, they must still go on living if they desire to do so (this can be assumed, because there are lots of unhappy and anxious people who are still alive, and to be found at restaurants) and this requires some interaction with their reality, which is handled mostly by intuition. The person will rely on reality for some things, but deny other parts. The fact that they are still interacting with it will cause guilt, because they are denying other parts. How is this possible?
Such ideas as god, fate, destiny, religion in general will make one feel justified for denying parts of reality, dispite their own subjective intuition. We will use faith to assert that there exists a god, and that ones actions are inconsiquential, or even inevitable. The existence of god cant be logically and scientifically proven, although the argument for it can be convincing if one wont question deep enough. Its this level of believability and persuasiveness makes religion so attractive to those trying to deny reality. However, reguardless of the intricate webs we weave to justify our actions or lack thereof, we still desire to live. To live, one must interact with and understand reality whether we steal our means of survival or create them. To understand it, we must accept the axiom that existence exists. The very fact that we are conscious (implying that consciousness must always be consious of something, even if it is itself) is our proof that reality exists. But because they are convinced that reality isnt what it is, often their actions wont be for a goal. At least, the goal wont be directly tied to survival. The goal of their actions may be to surrender to Gods will. What does an action based on that premise help in our own survival? When thinking of an answer, consider that it is essentially impossible to link it to survival logically, because the very goal is mystical and imaginary. Its very goal is to deny reality, despite that the very action is anchored in reality. A church exists. Kneeling exists. Holy books are made of pages which are made from substances that in no way could form by themselves by the entropic workings of nature. Entire moral codes are written with ultimate goals and values being something other than survival. Whether it be for the security of feeling that ones after life will be satisfactory (the afterlife being a perfect example of and idea that is not logically or scientifically verifiable, but survives in an active and sometimes fearful imagination.) or just providing justification for ones illogical actions.
So the order goes something like this. We feel a desire to do somethign that hinders the progress to an important goal of ours. Instead of being honest with oneself and getting rid of our goal or admitting that it is not important to us (the act of which might even lead to our own deaths, such as using drugs for pleasure dispite the risks), we will convince ourselves that our actions are inevitable, or restrained by extenuating circumstances. If we base them on realistic ideas, we can decieve ourselves for a while, but the 'realistic' ideas are fundamentally flawed. Later, we can take solice in our own decision for inaction by falling back on a religion whose main premise for things that directly contradict their ideas is 'they are there to test our faith.' As a result, our actions arent for the goal our of own survival but for the denial of parts of reality, dispite our desire to stay alive. The extreme case is using religion to justify theft, slavery, and overall injustice in order to keep a group of individuals alive. The domestic case is using force or intimidation and falling back on a religious concept as justification in order to essentially get another human life to provide for their inaction. The innocent end up paying the toll of another persons burden of anxiety. Denying reality does indeed have disasterous consequences, but this says nothing about who pays these consequences.

Mon, 07 Mar 2005 22:28:32 GMT

I walk onto the subway, and right away notice a man in the crouded subway car. He had a heavy beard and a face that looked like he had been smiling for 20 years, and had a good reason to. The rest of the lot seemed weary and guilty, as most people tend to look. There was another guy, about 6'3, 250, mid 20s and could hold his own in a fight, but his eyes told that he fights for the wrong reasons. At every stop, he would loudly proclaim how everyone was rude, and ignorant for not saying 'excuse me' or politely making way for people exiting the train. After the apparent ignoramouses exit, he would procede to let out a few snide racist remarks, just loud enough for the whole car to hear, but in the tone of voice that plainly demonstrated how terrible he was at pretending to make the comments under his breath. People near by either looked away with pained looks, or turned to him with glazed and wavering eyes snickering and shamelessly grinning at his remarks. I get a phone call, and my voice causes his head to quickly jolt around, just enough to catch a glimpse of my side of the train. The look in his eye seemed to project the look of an animal being cornered by the fear of its shadow. Later a man got on the train and reached for the rail on the crouded train, and lightly brushed his arm. He went on to call him rude, ignorant, and classless, not ceasing until he got a rise out of the man who said simply 'I'm not ignorant.' The muscles in his arm holding the upper railing flexed, in plain view of everyone around, including the man who wasnt ignorant. "Say excuse me next time, you ignorant fuck" if I remember correctly. Preaching manners and class with a side dish of intimidation. The man looked away, wincing, as the entire car went silent, waiting for a surprise ending. He turned to the few people next to him, made a few more insinuating remarks and lapped up his praise. I turn to the old man with the beard; he seemed to be waiting for me to turn to him. We make eye contact for about 5 seconds, long enough for him to say 'You know that he is wrong, and that he cant take away from you.'

Hot off the press.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 22:46:24 GMT

This just in, people still read Adrian's journal, despite the fact that he never updates! Fascinating!

Well, here is the obligatory yet entirely insipid update on the recent happenings in my life.

-I'm still on winter break for another 2 weeks. At which point I will resume classes 3 days a week.

-Braun and I hung out and jammed pretty much every day/night of vacation. However, we have yet to write an entire song end to end. I'm too stuck on writing a song that is absolutely perfectly what intend it to be, representing all that I am (not) capable of. In contrast, Braun will write a song about boots. I feel a little beatle-esque band chemistry at work here. Braun is anchored more in strong good sounding and spontaneous songwriting, and Im anchored more in perfectly verbalizing my own ideas into lyrics. Indeed, I need much more work than he does.

-I got a new jacket. Wait, even I barely give a shit about that. Wait, never mind, its suede and I love suede. But rain doesnt. Pitty.

-I didn't starve to death. Pitty.

Now for my rant about what I plan on doing in the coming months. Because publically writing about things I havent actually done yet helps to motivate me.

-I desire the ability to do one armed pushups on a whim. So, I work to attain the strength to acheive this herculean feat.

-I want to learn how to play bar chords, so I may be a decent backup guitarist if need be. Expect nothing more, because guitars are hard.

-I will surgically remove 3 ribs in order to win a hot dog eating contest.

-I plan to work more on my engine. If you are mechanically inclined, and I trust you, I will let you in on plans with that. Oh yea, it doesnt use pistons.*

-I am making a mod for Half-life 2. If you are a nerd, and posess computing/artistic/programming/dark magical skills of any kind, have 50 bucks, and enjoy error messages ruining 3 hours of labor, then purchase a copy of Half-life 2 (subsequently falling in love with the Source engine and all its glory) and IM me.

-I might get a job. Doing what, I dont know. How I will get there, I dont know. This translates to Adrian not actually getting a job.

I want to be a hobbit, and Ringo is my favorite Beatle. Just throwing that out there.

As for the regular philosophical blurbs, dont expect any in journal entry form. I'm slowly focusing my method of expression to the medium of lyrical madness and songwriting.

Leave good comments, because those will be infinitely better than this entry by default.

*Enforcing that your average car-jock need not apply. My old roomate doesnt count, he rules.

Mon, 10 Jan 2005 07:04:15 GMT

No one reads this anymore. For good reason.

[head falls off]

The definite article

Tue, 14 Dec 2004 00:43:33 GMT

Here is some reading material. These are 4 articles I wrote for thedilly.com. Some are a little outdated now.

---------------------
Apathy...who cares?

You can go up to most anyone and ask them this simple question: "Is the world 'wrong,' in your opinion?' and get the same resounding and confident 'YES' every time. However, when you ask them 'why,' the confidence fades. They might think up a few broad facts, that don't count as reasons, simply ways in which the world is wrong: world hunger, poverty, disease, murder, war, etc. Then you ask them "How? How do we fix it? How do we make it right?" and you get nothing but blank stares. But you can almost guarantee, that they would never think that they are a small part of the problem.

Yes folks, when it comes down to it, apathy is the problem. Most people say they care, but as someone once said to me, 'care is a verb in my life.' Knowing its wrong, and not doing, or at least trying to do anything about it is why things are so fundamentally wrong. Its a fundamental drawback to our freedom of thought; we don't [italic]have[/italic] to care about the worlds problems, so many people don't. You wont go hungry if you don't care. You wont get shot at if you don't care. You wont get hated, doubted, burnt at the stake for your ideas, if you are just plain indiffernt. Well, sort of.

We can live lives of apathy in America if we choose to. We can abuse the system, exploit the government, businesses, other people, to stay alive. How are we able to stay alive? How is it that we have all these amazingly thoughtful and innovative inventions that allow us to live lives of comfort and pleasure? (think: light bulb, sanitation, indoor plumbing, internal combustion engine, hell even condoms) It is because someone cared enough to look at the world, see that it is wrong, and make it their task in life to make it better. They didnt curse the darkness, they lit a candle. They didn't do it for mass praise, acceptance, admiration, they did it because it needed doing. They experienced the pain and hardship of labor and creation (try testing out 10,000 prototypes for the light bulb. Hell, try doing anything 10,000 times.) to await that inevitable victory over mind and matter, and yell "Eureka!" Why isn't everyone this way, you ask? Is it a matter of natural talent, intellectual or physical gifts you have had by complete chance from birth? Is it physical discomfort in life they wanted to avoid? Those things don't hurt in the process, but its that they cared.

This story is a fundamentally true, albeit a slightly exaggerated, allegory for the way the world is: Imagine there is a town of several hundred people. They aren't stunningly smart, gifted, or physically strong, just average human beings on most levels. They live in a small village near a large forest, and they have only one house. They fight, and bicker, and argue about who gets to live in this one house. Its always crowded, and its state of disrepair is getting worse. Most people end up sleeping outside in the weather, and get sick or injured. Then one day, a man says that he is leaving, and will be back in a few days. He brings only a few tools with him, and departs into the wilderness. The town scorns him, calls him a heretic, says that he is a fool to leave the people. He returns in a week, dragging a large sled with materials to build himself a house. Upon his return, he drops the materials in town and says "Watch these for me, I can't bring back all the materials at once, I will return by tomorrow." The next day when he returns with more, they have already used the materials to make dilapidated makeshift homes. He curses them, and says that if they give back it back, he will eventually build homes for the entire town. They tell him that he is selfish. He then says that he wont get any more wood until he can begin construction himself. They proceed to drag him to the center of the town, and burn him alive with the very wood he dragged to the town with his own power. If these people did what he did for one day, and brought back the weight they could bear, they would have enough to provide homes for all of the people of the town.

Does this sound wrong to you? Because this is how most of the world is today. A very few contribute, and the rest wait around to receive the share of their efforts without putting anything back in. As a result, many people in this world simply cannot survive, despite their work ethic, desire, passions, because so many are denying themselves their own right to work and live. So you might be asking, OK, so its all wrong, and according to this, I should be doing something. So, what do I do? Many people know that it is wrong, but are going about it the wrong way. I'm sure that most of you who have read this far down are possibly in this category. You have the will, but the way is unclear. Congratulations, you are human, and I'm also willing to bet that you are young. This is not a crime. It is a crime to say 'I'm young, so I cant do anything good.' Well, this is true if you are uninformed. Ignorance without desire to bring light to your own innate darkness is the true crime.

Standing in the middle of a crowd with a sign and yelling isn't going to do too much. Yes, peaceful protest does have its place, but why make yourself such a small percentage of the effort, when you are truly capable of so much more? History shows us that some of the greatest ideas, truly the fuel of revolutions, came not from a committee but from a single mind. We share a world, but we don't share our minds, those are own. We should trade ideas and facts in a non-intrusive manner to reach our own conclusions, but never deny yourself your own ability to hold the world on your shoulders, or at least try. And the most wonderful part of it, is that it is never too late to start.

-----------------------------

Freedom....whats that?

In America, the first amendment in the Bill of Rights is the right to free speech. If any of you fellow dillizens know, this right is exercised in full as often as your browser can handle. It is usually the rationalization for most anyone even remotely threatened by the idea of someone disagreeing with a statement of theirs: "I can say what I want about anything! Free speech! Omgz0r!" Yes, this is true. We are also free to bitch about whatever you are free to say. Ok, so where does that leave us? More often than not, playing hot potato with bad insults and bogus facts.

The essential idea behind America's original philosophy was to preserve and defend the freedom of the people. As long as what we do and say doesn't infringe on someone else's freedom, we are free to do it. Well, in theory.

Freedom of thought: Every human being is born with the freedom of thought. No one can get inside your head, read your thoughts (Miss Cleo doesn't count, that bitch), take your thoughts away from you, etc. Yes, you can be killed, but that simply destroys the vessel of your sentience. You cant burn someones money to get richer. It's a common theme that people don't really exercise this right. This is, well, because thinking about things takes effort, and time. Plus, no one can see inside your head, so there is not much to show off. Analytical and/or critical thinking is like any skill, it takes practice. Sure, being smart helps, but again, its like any skill. If you are naturally athletic, it doesn't mean you shouldn't practice with the rest of the team, it just makes the hard work easier. Do yourself a favor, and exercise your freedom to learn, and think. That cant be taken away from you.

Freedom of speech: This is where the bill of rights comes in. Essentially, simply talking about anything cant do any harm. Sticks and stones will break my bones, and poorly-thought out and un-researched political opinions can never hurt you. However, freedom of speech is worthless, albeit still harmless, if you don't exercise your innate freedom of thought. Anyone can run their mouth about anything, even if you aren't really saying anything worth listening to. Sometimes we can get in trouble for what we say, if it implies intent of something, such as a death threat. But generally speaking, we can speak generally whatever we want. Welcome to America. Do yourself, and everyone else a favor: the next time you speak, say something.

Freedom of action: This is an interesting one, and where the basic premise of law and order come in. You are free to do what ever you choose, as long as it doesn't infringe on someone else's right to think, speak, or act. Often people will complain about how much things suck, or how much America blows, or how the government is evilz0r. Theoretically, you should only complain about things you cant help, because at that point, all you can do is piss and moan. However, as anyone can tell you, this is simply not the case in day to day life. We often realistically complain about things that we can help, but it would be very difficult to do so. However, we are free to do law abiding things, regardless of how difficult they are. This assumes that we choose to take responsibility for our lives, which is something very few people do completely. Simply because we are free to work for what we want, implies absolutely nothing about how easy or hard it will be, or how long it will take. Want to invent a political party? No one is holding you back. Well, you might find opposition (in fact, you can almost guarantee it) but theoretically, under law, you could invent your own -ism and start a movement. It has been done before. Just try not to get assassinated.

Free of charge: Well, this isn't really political, but worth mentioning. If you think with your brain stem, or a few rogue active brain cells, then maybe you've caught yourself saying 'If this is a free country, then why is everything so expensive!!1!1 LOZL.' Well, no one is holding you back from working for the money to pay for it. Also, there is often a debate about immigrants 'stealing our jobs.' More often than not, they have such a strong work ethic because no one is keeping them from working as hard as they can. Often stronger than a natural born citizen. This works both ways, because no one is keeping you from being completely lazy. There are countless citizens that just exploit the system and the idea that they don't really HAVE to do anything (again, lawfully). Just don't complain when you're broke and living in a refrigerator box in an alley. Yes, there are some people who are in a very difficult position because of someone else's carelessness (someone infringed on their freedom, and hopefully got caught) and are literally in a rut and cant get out with their own power, which is essentially where welfare comes in. However, more often than not it is a result of their own lack of responsibility for their lives and actions.

Conclusion: simply yelling at each other back and forth because you are free to do so isn't going to accomplish too much. It takes effort, and a bit of courage, to think freely, and to act accordingly. Talk is cheap, thoughts are invisible to everyone but yourself, and actions are risky, difficult, and anchored in reality.

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Admitting youre wrong 101

This is something that every human being has to deal with, and that is making mistakes. Most people do deal with it, but not in a very constructive way that will limit the chances of you repeating that mistake. It is my contention that intelligence is not measured by how many mistakes you make, but how many you repeat. So, how does one not repeat a mistake in our never ending quest toward the grail of perfection? We learn from them.

Learning from your mistakes starts right from birth and can continue until the day you die. From the first time a toddler thinks 'Oh! Its the right foot then the [italic]left[/italic] foot!' when learning how to moonwalk, to an old man lying on his death bed thinking 'Did I turn off the gas? Shit.' We usually learn the most from mistakes made in private. Like tripping over the fold in the rug with that awkward fumbling dismount into the middle of the room, we will learn to pay attention next time, or just burn the damn rug. Either way, its the just world saying 'pay attention pal, that might kill you some day.' This is looking pretty positive so far, but what about the mistakes you make when everyone is watching? What do you do then?

Well, usually it pisses you off. Most people would rather go into a complete irrational funk of misunderstanding (think plugging your ears and humming) than admit that they were incorrect in an argument. Arguments occur over a contradiction. No two facts can contradict each other (If that sounds counter-intuitive, provide me an example to prove it false), thus one or more of your premises is false. I.e. this argument ain't big enough for the both of us. Heres a big expanded metaphor that is usually at the root for every dispute, argument, disagreement, or just general pissing contest. Sometimes both parties are looking at the same mountain from different sides, and disagree that it is the same mountain. Solution? Climb your way to the top of this precipice of knowledge to realize that you were arguing over the exact same concept, just with different words and a different angle of approach. The other option is that you are looking at two different mountains, and argue that they are the same mountain. Solution? Agree to climb to the top of your respective mountains. When you realize that not only are you getting further away, but it is becoming more and more apparent that you are talking about two completely different ideas that contradict sheerly because they shouldn't have been compared in the first place. Noticing a trend? I hope so.

Regardless of your situation, its infinitely more important to learn and know more, than to just bicker over something that is irrelevant to bicker over. Climbing to the top of the mountain, aka mastering the knowledge of your point of argument, is the key. The fact that an argument begins should be a warning that something isn't right; there is a false premise, a strangely worded concept, maybe just an all out bashing of the egos. More often than not, we turn straight to the ego bashing.

You're thinking "when are you going to get to the damn point of this article??" Now, sweetheart. Basically an argument, if it is drawn out long enough and constructive in nature, is an ideal place to learn from your mistakes. In fact, its one of the best ways to learn. The sting of defeat can be turned into a potent fuel for learning, for being better, faster, stronger (think Daft Punk). Of course, we always fear that day when our most fundamental ideas are proven fundamentally false, right in front of the cool kids table. That stings. So this is interesting indeed, because when we are proven wrong in front of someone, usually we don't admit we are wrong. Why selectively avoid one of the best opportunities to be more like that daft punk song? We know it isn't our lack of constitution to learn from our mistakes, like the rug-tripping example. The reason is: we fear that if we admit we are wrong, the other persons ego will be all over that shit. Why do we fear this? Because we have all done it before (que Nelson laugh: HA HAWW), and usually our fears, more so paranoia, stem from something inside ourselves. Woah, deep.

So what can you do? Deal with it. Deal with the pain. Deal with the fact that more often than not, the opposing party will rub it in your face. However, they are wrong for getting their ego involved, and if they were proven incorrect in the argument, then they most likely wouldn't have learned anything. You aren't wrong by admitting that you are wrong. You aren't wrong when you say 'I don't know' when you don't actually know (its a phrase not in most people's vocabulary, try it some time. Say it with me: "I don't know. But I want to know. Wheres my library card?"). You are'nt wrong for realizing that your argument was fundamentally flawed for an assumption that you don't even remember making (Assume [bold]nothing[/bold], its the mother of all error, and shes not a MILF by any standards). You aren't wrong from getting your ego involved. If someone does a victory dance on your toes, don't do what they expect. Don't get upset, because there is nothing to be upset about; you did the right thing. They expect to get you pissed off (it provides a little power trip. Think napoleon), and when something doesn't go how you expect it to, well, what the hell went wrong? Maybe then they will learn something after all.

I like being wrong, it means I learned something.

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Opinions based on opinions

How a political debate (in theory) is supposed to go:

[bold]Some Guy:[/bold] Why are you voting for Captain Sexy Pants for presedent?
[bold]Another Guy:[/bold] Because he plans to make pink t-shirts legal for all, he wants to change our muffin policy, and get rid of every guy named Frank.
[bold]Some Guy:[/bold] I agree for the most part, but why do you feel that we should revise the muffin policy? I havent made up my mind yet on this.
[bold]Another Guy:[/bold] Well Muffins are awesome, they are healthy, enjoyable, fairly cheap to produce and come in many different varieties. They have very few, proven and inate drawbacks, thus I feel that research in the muffin production department to reduce muffin prices, provoking muffin sales, is a solid idea.
[bold]Some Guy:[/bold] Thats all very true, I'll have to say that I am in agreement with you pertaining to my preference on muffins, that is some compelling evidence. However, did you know that in rare circumstances they can mutate into sea-farring water weasels with really big knives?
[bold]Another Guy:[/bold] I didn't know that, I think maybe I should reevaluate my non-final desision before I make it final when I vote. If you learn anything in addition to what you know now, let me know.

[Disclaimer: It should go completely without saying, but the names and objects used to convey my point are rediculous on purpose. There is no muffin policy, nor am I against guys named Frank; I wanted to create a 'politcal' argument that has absolutely no ties with the upcoming election/candidate(s).]

Alright so. Muffins? Whatever. What I'm attempting to convey here is that trying to manipulate someone's opinion is the absolute wrong way to go about a political debate. It sounds conter-intuitive because it is ingrained in our heads that other people's opinions matter. Before you throw a fit, I should ask you this: If you are completely confident with your desision, it is based on verified and researched fact, you agree with the philosophy of the party, etc etc, then why, if you presented everything you know about the party/candidate truthfully, shouldnt they be able reach the same conclusion as you, with their own personal freedom of judgement? And what if they dont? Well, ask them why, you might learn something new. God forbid.

Most people feel that simply stating something, on it own, should be enough. As long as everyone else agrees with it, then why bother research it at all? Why bother asking 'why'? Because making an unproven statement is like having a bullet without a gun. You need the gun to give it aim and power, to give it somewhere to start so it can make it to the end of your choice. Holding a bullet in your hand and yelling 'bang' isn't going to turn to many heads. Simply stating "Bush is a big ol' jerkface" wont get you, or anyone else for that matter, anywhere.

Opinions are the end result of your judgement, which we assume is reasonable and rational, and based on fact and preference. Its not about agreeing with the mob so at least if the candidate wins, you can sail away with all the other people who feel good about being 'right'. I've been asked, after being probed by the inevitable 'who are you voting for' question, why I'm voting for someone who statistically has no chance of winning. I answer with the question 'Is that your reason for desision? Or do you feel that your very vote will decide the election.' America was founded on the idea that we choose our government; we have that great power. And according to Uncle Ben, "with great power, comes great responsibility". There is a LOT to know, because with the great conveniences brought about all the hard work and ingenuity of great minds, inventors, and even your average guy-named-Frank, we have the task of appeciating and understanding it, and not taking it for granted. These people who have made such changes didnt run around telling everyone about how great the changes are, or how everyone should like what they're doing. They acted, created, worked, researched, etc. You then base your judgement on what they did, because you have the freedom to. It is comparible to the difference between non-informative advertisement (I.e. the TV flashing a Coke bottle in front of your face. It's the same old Coca Cola as before, youve had it, but now you have 'realized' that youre thirsty and will kill a fellow man for that crisp refreshing beverage.) and research & developement. Make the product better, and if it is in fact better, then sales should increase by virtue of its superior quality.

You want your candidate to win? You arent special. Who doesn't? Thats why we vote, it is our two cents in the big collection basket being passed around. Like I said, inform others in a non-biased way, then all you can do is hope that they come to the same conclusion as you. You have the freedom to learn, inform, and choose. The truth [bold]should[/bold] be enough for people.

[No guys-named-Frank were harmed during the creation of this article]

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Thats all folks. LOZL!!>1!

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 00:44:09 GMT

http://users.aristotle.net/~diogenes/meaning1.htm

This wont solve your problems, but it can tell you who can.

Fri, 05 Nov 2004 22:32:59 GMT

My articles got approved on www.thedilly.com, check it out. They're on the front page.

Wed, 03 Nov 2004 00:03:05 GMT

Logic class

Cast:

Cute foreign girl as herself
Tall kid, as the tall kid
Me as myself
Kermit the frog as the logic teacher

CUTE FOREIGN GIRL: Hey, you got a hair cut?
ME: Yea, well actually I got all of them cut, at the same time.
TALL KID: *laughs hysterically*
CUTE FOREIGN GIRL: Ha, what?
ME: Well, I got all of my hair cut, not just one strand. Also, I got them all cut at the same time.
TALL KID: *still laughing like an idiot*
CUTE FOREIGN GIRL: Ohhh, haha, I got ya.
TALL KID: What if you only got one of them cut? Or maybe a few cut every day?
ME: Well, since the human head has tens of thousands of strands of hair, lets just say that the hair I cut each day is 1/356th of the total hair on my head, so by the end of the year, in theory, every strand on my head would have been touched by the scissors. Now, human hair grows about 6 inches a year, so if I cut each strand down to the root in my daily haircut, my hair would appear to remain exactly the same length throughout the year, approximately 6 inches.
LOGIC TEACHER: Uhh, you guys need lives.
ME: Well, as painfully logical and almost intrusively complex as said haircut strategy is, its redeeming factor is the possibility that it would be funny.
TALL KID: *still giggling like fat chick on a carousel*
CUTE FOREIGN GIRL: *flirteous laughter* Want to have a spontaneous sexual adventure?
KERMI- er LOGIC TEACHER: Can I come?
ME: Yes, and yes. I'm awesome.

True story.

Just the facts, ma'am/sir/everyone.

Thu, 21 Oct 2004 02:59:17 GMT

How a political debate (in theory) is supposed to go:

A: Why are you voting for Captain Sexy Pants for presedent?

B: Because he plans to make pink teeshirts illegal, he wants to change out muffin policy, and get rid of every guy named Frank.

A: I agree for the most part, but why do you feel that we should revise the muffin policy? I havent made up my mind yet on this.

B: Well Muffins are awesome, they are healthy, enjoyable, cheap to produce and come in many different varieties. They have few proven inate drawbacks, thus i feel that research in the muffin production department to reduce muffin prices, provoking muffin sales is a solid idea.

A: Thats all very true, ill have to say that i agree with you in my preference on muffins. However, did you know that sometimes they can randomly mutate into sea-farring water weasels with really big knives?

B: I didnt know that, i think maybe i should reevaluate my non-final desision before i make it final when i vote.

All for now, much to come.

Cleaning the attic.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 23:27:17 GMT

Well here it is.

As of late I've been defining myself by my work.

Let me back up a little. My 'work' is essentially my obsession with figuring out everything. Not like, every little thing, but the whole sum of 'everything.' I've spent the majority of my life delving deeper and deeper into the how and why of everything. It started when I was about 9, and I realized 3 very important things. The first being that adults are just as messed up as kids; there was no fine line between 'kid' and 'adult.' People are people, young or old. Second, that it was infinitely more important to figure yourself out than everyone else. Yes, other people exist and all that, but you need to look for the answers about you inside yourself. And last, I understood what love meant. I wont go into it, just take my word for it.

So from that point on, I spent all my time working stuff out in my head, looking at things from all angles, going deeper and deeper into the world around me. Thats all fine and good, but when I focus on something, I cant do it half-assed. It became, and remained for many years, an obsession of mine. My goal was to some day be able to understand everything. As bold or stupid or foolish as that sounds, it was what I set out to do. It shouldnt be mistaken as 'knowing everything,' rather, I wanted to know that no matter what happened to me, what I saw, did, said, heard, whatever it was, that I would be able to understand it completely and thoroughly.

So thats what I feel that I've done in the last few months, I've finished. I feel that I can fit everything in a place in the grand scheme of things, the ultimate perspective; the ability to see from all perspectives. Some things take more time than others to work out, but I could eventually know it inside and out if I felt so inclined, while still keeping it in perspective with everything else.

Ok, so thats all good and wonderful, but in the process I pretty much forgot about myself, and who I am. For the last few weeks, I've been wearing my excitement and relief on my sleave. I felt that because my task was complete, that I was complete. Ouch. Metaphor: Edison knew he wanted to make the lightbulb, and he tested thousands of different ideas and materials and finally he saw the light (literally). His task was complete, he succeded, his work was not in vain. At long last he accomplished what he set out to do. But he was not the lightbulb. He was not his fucking khakis.

So now I'm out to strengthen and master my weaknesses, and fortify my strengths. To practice what I preach. To not be as much of a fuckhead, basically. Just because my philosophy works, especially for me, doesnt mean that everything will just be a walk in the park. I might add more to this later if I think to.

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 22:49:37 GMT

Spent all my time fixing leaks in the basement now the attic is a mess.

Everyone should run. Not from something, but to somewhere.

Sun, 03 Oct 2004 18:41:13 GMT

Little bits of stuff I decided to write down today. Critics, unite!

No one can take your thoughts, your mind, your uniqueness, your creativity, your beauty. They can destroy it by killing you, but burning another mans money does not make you richer. Your time is yours, your corner of the world is yours. You can not hand someone your wasted hours, greatest hours, or anything in between.

Eye contact is opening the window of the soul, then shouting to the house next door to find that youre saying the same thing, but from a different window.

When you make eye concact with someone, its a certainty. You look at them and see not flesh, but their soul, their being, and essence. You cant look at ones ear and know what they are listening to, but when you look into someones eyes, you are absolutely certain of what they are looking at. People tend to fear and avoid this certainty, because once you have the truth, you can not ignor it. you cannot give the truth back to the universe, it is yours, it is understood. Once you understand the full, honest, complete truth, no lie can take its place. It is this pure truth that binds the sets of eyes together. You cant make eye contact with a croud, you can only hope to make it with one other being at a time, and most cant even handle that much.

There is no person in this world that doesnt have something that makes them genuinely, truely happy. So happy that it brings tears to their eyes. If you dont, then you havent gotten to your center yet, you havent been alive long enough to find out. However, some of us have been alive long enough, but have chosen to ignor this passion, because it is uniquely their passion, not everyone elses.

A flower doesnt know that its beautiful, a tree doesnt know it is tall, a wave doesnt know of the beach it is shaping day by day. That is our job, the task of sentience. To deny ourselves of this ability is to deny everything.

The lie did not exist before there was a being to understand the truth. The untruth can exist in a mans mind, but it cannot exist in nature. A fly cannot lie to save itself from a frog. It must out-survive the frog. Nature is built on truth, because truth is universal, it is the same truth wherever you travel. The truth is the light which can remove the darkness. Darkness cannot remove the light, it is simply where the light has not gone yet. Once the truth has enlightened you, no lie can cast it back into darkness. "It is better to light a candle, than to curse the darkness" ~chinese proverb

Not worth reading.

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 03:54:36 GMT

I felt compelled to update, considering ive been getting complaints in the you-never-update-anymore department. Dont expect this to be anything exciting.

Im finally settling into school, and being able to relax with all the changes that have taken place in my lifestyle. Generally my classes are pretty easy, relatively stress free, without too much work. However, my absent-minded nature is the bane of my existence, so it makes everything that much more difficult. I have my head in the clouds most of the time, which is great when you dont want to overlook the most important things, but i tend to completely miss some of the small yet ultimately important details, such as remembering to bring my photo supplies to photography.

Ive made a few cool/interesting friends so far at UMB, which is nice. Being social is nice. My normally goofy/eccentric attitude hasnt got me into too much trouble yet.

On a side note, ive been doing lots of songwriting. I have over 5 in the works right now. 2 with solid lyrics/cords/vocals.

I spend the weekends resting, mentally and physically, to spend another week of commuting and going to class/labs. Being anti-social isnt nice.

Philosophically im pretty stable. I have a 'firm grasp on what im capable of.' The whole self-doubt thing seems to be diminishing; im mentally crusing, rather flooring it across hills and valleys. As if thats of any importants to you <3

I have determined that there is good music, and bad music, then there is music you enjoy or dislike. They are seperate. For instance, i generally enjoy good music (music that has effort, talent, thought, and work put into it) but i also like listening to some pretty bad music (some would argue techno, depending on the artist) but i still enjoy it nonetheless. Im sure most people will disagree with that (but as usual i dont see how), so devils advocates, unite!

I hate opinions. I hate hearing them, and i usually avoid having them. They are only valid when you know all the facts, and when you know all the facts an opinion isnt needed. At least its not needed to be expressed. Trade facts with me, but dont hit me with the opinion stick.

Id be a super hero, like Batman.

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 20:27:45 GMT

Another simple question entry:

If you had all the money in the world (or get everything for free, however you look at it), what would you do with your life/self?

Before you answer, really picture the situation. Then when you think youre actually ready to answer, think some more.

Mon, 13 Sep 2004 03:48:40 GMT

Simple entry, hopefully many comments:

If you had to pick one thing youve learned, whats the single best bit of advice you could offer?

For me, I would have to say being exactly you. To deviate from your true self on any level is the worst thing you can do to yourself.

Comment away.

In the dictionary, under 'irony'

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 01:14:07 GMT

Ill admit, the past several months have been pretty much the same thing for me, day in day out. Deep within a comfort zone. Now lots of things are all happening at once:

-Im at college, to which I commute everyday. To take classes that suck. (they are about cool stuff, but they explain it in such a way that a retarded horse could comprehend. Think 'seseme street.')
-My best friend braun couldnt be further away from here and still live in the united states.
-Greg and i are hanging out regularly again, after not really seeing much of eachother for almost a year.
-Deirdre is at MIT, thus I see her much less than Im used to.
-Also, we are 'settling down.'
-My parents are giving me one last chance to prove that I wont fuck up and waste yet another investment of their money on me.
-My brain doesnt turn off. I.e. I think too much. I think all the time, usually deeply all the time, about nearly everything. I was mentally spent even BEFORE all of this, now im just running on fumes.
-Im finally broke, and looking for a job that will somehow fit in my schedual and pay well.

There are others, but that covers most of it.

You might bitch, and tell me to stop whining. But this is my journal, so stop reading.

Just the facts ma'am, just the facts.

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 15:02:45 GMT

Time for another introspective essay:

[edit] This is all written by myself in one sitting. I doubt the overall connectivity of what is said, but it was worth saying, and hopefully worth reading.

I cant delve into something unless i fully understand it. Its how ive always been, as long as i can remember (were talking early childhood). In math classes, i wouldnt use a formula just because it worked everytime, i had to understand why it worked every time before i would actually trust it. Anything i become involved in i have to understand it from the inside out. In that, i can word and think things any way i chose for myself. Its the difference between knowing how to catch fish, and just having a shit load of fish (i dont even eat fish, but i listen to a lot of phish...?) Anyway, this whole idea of understanding anything i put effort and trust into goes for myself as well. Since the ripe old age of 9 ive been in a constant frame of mind to understand every level of who i am. Sure, ive known bits and peices very well (some better than others, some sooner than others) but i still couldnt fit it all together. Its like being able to know the backroads of every major city in the world like the back of your hand, but not knowing where the hell they are located in relation to eachother. So for a long time, i wouldnt fully explore my potential simply because i didnt fully understand why my full potential was the way it was. Cirtain things come easily for me, so i do them almost subconsiously. However, other things do require a good deal of thought and planning from me, though i can still do them well. Even though im sure i could have gone through highschool with stellar performance, i didnt really understand why i could. Until i understood this, i always kept a low profile.

It wasnt until midway through this summer that i started to make connections, almost exponentially. I started to get why i felt things were right or wrong, why i felt with someone, rather than for someone. Im empathetic, not sympathetic. Its not that i understand myself 100%, but i now have a basic blueprint for everything. I dont know what kind of wallpaper im going to have, but i know the exact shape of the foundation. And without knowing that foundation perfectly, i couldnt even begin to put everything together. First things first.

I havent finished the race. In fact, i have barely begun. Ive only just found my spot on the starting line. Its foolish to just start running when the gun goes off if you have no idea where to start, or where to finish. I wanted to do it right; i wanted to do it when i was ready. I couldnt do it because i was told it was the right time for me. Passive observers would see what i have done as a waste of time. Like ive said before, people will fear and doubt things they dont understand. I dont fear what i dont understand, in fact i look forward to realizing what i dont understand. It opens a door which i will fearlessly walk though, knowing nothing of the other side. But, i take solice in the fact that i will soon not only understand it inside and out, but it will open a whole new set of doors.

My interest lies in truth, not opinion. Opinions are subjective, or at least they are supposed to be. Some music has more talent or merit, but generally its all up to the person listening. Some music may have different meaning for different people, and that is to be expected and respected (unless their reason for listening to it is for a different reason than personal enjoyment/meaning, but thats another issue completely). However, no one can actually disagree with truth. If it is true, its universal. An argument should not involve opinions, it should involve a debate over facts. I have my set of facts i beleive or know to be true, you have yours. We converse, and in theory, we come out with more knowledge than when we began. Gaps are filled in, facts verified or falsified. Debates over what music is 'good' or not dont usually last long, because it comes down to a 'agree to disagree' situation. I like my music for this reason, you like yours for that reason. (i use music simply as an example, this applies to many other issues.) In theory, if everyone knew all the facts, there would be no opinions on anything objective. If everyone knew all the facts about Bush and Kerry exactly, it would be a landslide (in which direction i dont know, i dont know all the facts, however bush is almost artfully full of shit and funny to watch, so i like him, but enough on that) However, even if everyone had heard every single bit of music ever created, some people would still like bands/genres/songs over others.

This is how i have always lived, and anyone who knows me beyond a first impression can vouch for that. It doesnt interest me if someone disagrees with me or not, what interests me is what facts and truths they bring to the table, and whether or not they understand what i have conveyed. Truth is knowledge, knowledge leads to wisdom, wisdom creates more understanding and also more questions. I admit to these questions, and to look forward to saying 'i dont know.' I also do what i can to change that to 'i now know' by finding the answers, not creating my own. I dont have faith in things. Faith is basically ignoring the fact that you dont have answers the most important questions. I dont understand many things yet, such as death, silicon chips, and telephones. However, i dont say 'well it is Gods will that we are able to use our anytime minutes.' I say 'I dont know how it works, but it does, in fact, work. There is a way to understand it if i look in the right places.' Death apparently works, we might know what it is to see death, to feel it coming, to live when others die, but not one of us know what it is to die (save bobby, he died once cause hes a lush). Some will create their own answers on how it works, or what happens after death. But in creating your own answers, you forget the relevance of the question. Stuffing it under the rug doesnt get rid of it, it just makes it easier to ignor. People will stuff who they are under the rug, and lose the chance to truely find out who they are. People fear their evil side. They fear the dark side of life, the side that balances out the good. If pain wasnt expected and needed in life, there would be no pain. If laughter wasnt needed, there would be no laughter. Its the balance that needs to be understood. Happiness isnt when youre laughing all the time, its being content with the fact that, in the end, you just about break even. Thats good enough for me, because in the end you learn just as much from either end of the spectrum. You can send me through hell, but you can never take my ability to know, to create, or to think.

More info only useful to me.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 04:07:03 GMT

Many people have asked (for some reason), so im just going to post my classes:

Art history: 20th century
Music theory 1
Photography/printing
Ear training/voice lessons
Logic

Easy? maybe. Fun? most definately.

If i do well, i want to transfer to Emerson for visual/media arts, with a minor in music.

Fastest college rush EVER.

Thu, 02 Sep 2004 21:26:27 GMT

Well its official, i am currently a full time student at Umass Boston for the fall of 2004, with less than 24 hours notice. Im still a little shocked, considering this turns my whole world upside down for a few days, but its definately a change for the better.

Anyone who currently lives in boston, and wouldnt mind me crashing at their place from time to time, let me know. Its a hell of alot easier than commuting every day (Umass doesnt have dorms at all)

More on this as things progress.